Becoming a Corrupt Religious Leader Is Easy – Noah Gardenswartz – Stand-Up Featuring

Becoming a Corrupt Religious Leader Is Easy – Noah Gardenswartz – Stand-Up Featuring

– I became an ordained
minister last year ’cause I had two
friends that got married and they asked me to
officiate the wedding. To legally officiate, I had to
become an ordained minister. So I went online, paid
$19, instantly ordained. For $19 you guy the certificate, and for an extra $9 you can
get a clergy parking pass. But I live in New York,
I don’t even own a car, but I know what a nightmare
parking in the city can be. So I sprung for it and
I’ve been loaning it out to my friends with cars
for a few dollars a day and now I understand
how easily corrupted religious leaders can become.
(audience laughs) It was like I’ve only
been an ordained minister for a year and I’m already
running a very lucrative underground parking scheme.
(audience laughs) For the Lord. I liked officiating
the wedding though. It was good to be around a
wedding because I actually got married myself three months ago. I’m three months in and I
very much like being married but I’m still not used to
wearing the wedding ring at all, like it doesn’t feel
natural on my finger. But I do like wearing
a wedding ring ’cause it lets me know when
I’ve had too much sodium. (audience laughs)
Like I don’t need an app or a Fitbit or a
calorie counter. It’s like oh, my left ring
finger’s about to fall off? Yeah, maybe I’ll have
a salad for lunch. (audience laughs) But yeah, I don’t fight
with my wife a lot but we did get into a
vicious fight a few weeks ago ’cause one night I
was trying to sleep and she ate an apple in bed. What kind of psychopath eats
an apple in a silent room? Think about that, hear
it in your mind’s eye. I was fast asleep, woke up to what I thought
was an earthquake, it was a fucking granny smith. I was like, “What the
hell is wrong with you? “Take that shit to the
den or eat a banana. “You know how many
silent fruits there are. “You’re gonna eat the loudest
one next to a sleeping body?” You can’t plan a future
with a sociopath like that. And it bothered me because
I have a neural disorder called misophonia. If you don’t know, misophonia
is where you get like an irrational, visceral, rage towards one
sound in particular and for me that is the
sound of people eating. It drives me crazy, I hate the
sound of chips being chewed, hate the sound of
soup being slurped. So it goes without saying
that I really hate the sound of someone eating cereal which
is just something crunchy being chewed while
liquid is being slurped. Like I feel about hearing
someone eating cereal the way Mike Pence feels
about gay refugees, it’s like a combination of
my two least favorite things. I don’t agree with his politics, it was just a spot on analogy. Fucking relax Brooklyn. (audience laughs) I don’t know. My friends have told me though that I should use exposure
therapy to get over misophonia. They think that if I’m
exposed to the sounds that I don’t like I’ll
stop being annoyed by them. But I know exposure
therapy doesn’t work for me because I’ve been exposed
to things that I don’t like in the past and it
backfired horribly. Like I’m not joking,
and I don’t know why, but I’m serious when I tell you that my biggest fear on
Earth is conjoined twins. The connected people? They scare the shit out of me. About 10 years ago I was in
line at a fast food restaurant, thought I saw conjoined
twins walking in and passed out
cold, on the spot. Turns out it was just two
young girls sharing a coat, but I saw two heads and
one coat, and passed out. When I woke up and saw they
were two separate human beings, I finally calmed down,
until I heard how loud they were eating their food. I’ve talked about this
on certain shows, though, and after some shows I’ve
occasionally had people actually come up and point out to me, that in certain Asian
cultures you’re encouraged to chew with your mouth open because it’s seen as a
sign of respect to the chef letting them know that
you appreciate the flavor of the food, so you eat
loudly to let them know that. And I wanna be culturally
sensitive so that’s why to avoid losing my
temper in public, whenever I see someone
chewing with their mouth open, I just pretend their Asian. No matter what. See a white dude chewing
with his mouth wide open? I’m just like that albino Korean respects the chef. I can feel you guys
tightening up on me and it’s okay, it doesn’t
bother, I’m used to this, ’cause any time you do
racial material in America people get sensitive
’cause racial tensions are high in America. And I do think a lot of
the reason there is so much racial tension in America
is because most Americans don’t interact with people
different than themselves. Like not everyone lives
in a diverse city. Most Americans live in really
small, homogenous populations and you can tell they
don’t have to interact with people different
from themselves. And I do think that contributes
to a lot of the racial tension that we see. And I mean this from the
bottom of my heart when I say, I think you should never hate
someone based on their race. That’s truly what I think,
I think you should never hate someone based
on their race. However,
(audience laughs) I do think you should
hate at least one person from every race. ‘Cause if you don’t
hate at least one person from a particular race, you
obviously just don’t know enough people from that race. Like every group of people
have some bad apples. If you can’t think of at
least one that you don’t like that just speaks to
a lack of exposure. Which means that your
overly loving opinion is still coming from
a place of ignorance. So in a very weird way, if you don’t hate at least
one person from every race, you’re kind of racist. That joke didn’t do well and
I will refuse to have them remove it from my
set because I’m not (audience laughs)
I don’t give a fuck, I’m not wrong. This just 90% white crowd
in Brooklyn was not prepared for the mirror that I just
held up to you motherfuckers. Don’t clap now, you had your
opportunity to like the joke. Fuck off, we are not on
the same team anymore, but I don’t care, I’ll
finish this god damn set. (audience laughs) So race issues,
class issues as well. May as well go in now. No, hey, I feel like over the
last three years in America we’ve also decided across the
board that we hate rich kids. Which feels weird to me. Like if their assholes
about it, yeah. If they’re the type of
rich kid that’ll like challenge you to a
ski race for the right to their father’s mountain,
then that’s a hateable rich kid, for sure.
(audience laughs) But, if they’re
otherwise really nice, hardworking individuals
who just happen to have wealthy parents,
then what did they do wrong? We hate rich kids but we
don’t hate lottery winners. And in both cases, it just
comes down to being lucky. It’s like why is it okay
to be lucky in a 7-Eleven and not in your
father’s ball sack. No but there are a lot of class
issues, they are legitimate, and I am sensitive to them. A lot of jobs don’t get
paid what they deserve and that’s problematic. The number one job that
people cite is teachers, obviously teachers
deserve way more. The problem is when people
are arguing on behalf of teachers getting paid more, they always use
the wrong example. Most common cliche we hear is, it’s a shame how
much athletes make versus how much teachers make,
we’ve all heard that, right? I used to be a teacher. I’ll be the first person to
tell you teachers deserve way more money,
no doubt about it. But that has nothing to do with
how much athletes get paid. Those are two completely
separate arguments. The fact is, for the
most part, in America, people get paid according to
scarcity of their skillset. And there simply are way
more people mentally capable of teaching children
how to read, then there are people
physically capable of dunking a basketball. So if we wanna narrow the
wage gap, we don’t need to raise teacher’s pay,
we need to lower the rims. Just saying, make the
hoop eight feet tall, Lebron’s making 60
grand next year, so.

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About the Author: Emmet Marks

1 Comment

  1. Keep it up man. Don’t back off on the racial humor people need to be desensitized to being so fucking sensitive keep it up I’m fucking love it and yes I’m from New York

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